On-off Relationship Hurts
Many relationships are so-called on-off relationships, meaning the relationship is started and ended over and over again. From an outsider’s perspective, there are problems in relationships like this that cannot be solved by resigning and coming back together.
An on-off relationship develops because the parties are very attached to each other and have been together for a long time, or because one or both parties are emotionally dependent on the other.
In all of these situations, the couple is unable to give up the relationship. Therefore, they try again and again. At some point, however, such a relationship becomes a great suffering.
The pain of the constant hurt of emotions
As life progresses, each of us faces a wide variety of hurtful things. The pain of losing a loved one, resigning from a partner, giving up a job… there are many of these situations.
Mental pain is a difficult process that can lead to depression if not treated well. When a person is in an on-off relationship, he is already very accustomed to such pain, but he never gets to the last stage of said process.
Let’s then look at the stages of such a relationship and how the parties might react in them:
- Denial: A person denies that a relationship did not work. He does not want to see the truth and may try to be as if nothing had happened. When the denial no longer works, he proceeds to the next step.
- Anger: At this point, the parties are blaming each other for problems with the relationship and why the partnership failed. It’s a period when a couple can only remember negative things and see each other only through anger.
- Grief: Anger (which is a very strong feeling) manifests itself in this feeling. Deep, paralyzing grief reminds the parties of good times and gives them reasons for nostalgia for why they stayed together.
- Negotiation: The couple is trying to get back together, and in the case of an on-off relationship, they will eventually return. Grief reminds them of how precious everything was, and this makes them give the relationship a second chance. They refuse to give up.
- The last step would then be approval. When a couple accepts that the relationship didn’t work, they accept that every new attempt would lead to failure.
However, in the case of an on-off relationship, the parties do not want to accept that the relationship has ended.
Therefore, some eventually decide to give the relationship another chance at the negotiation stage. They may get reconciled on the assumption that both “change”.
On-off relationship and fears
The fact that an unstable relationship does not progress to the final stage of acceptance described, which entails letting go of the relationship and embarking on a new path, is related to fears.
People who have been with their partner for at least 6-8 years have experienced a great many things together. They are so attached to each other that it seems impossible not to fight for what has been between them.
Despite the fact that the difference (sometimes disguised as a “break”) means that something is not working, the couple tries to hang on to the price at any cost.
Relationship crises are normal, but it is not normal to separate and come back together again and again. This always hurts the parties but adds to it.
At the same time, they also ignore the real cause of the problem.
If both parties are interdependent, do the same. In an on-off relationship, life is impossible without the other or, more generally, without a partner.
Sometimes disconnecting from a partner can feel difficult and we may think we can make a fresh start from a clean slate, but in reality things don’t go that way.
What did not work will not work
What makes a relationship break up and then start all over again many times? The situation may indicate that the parties do not know how to handle conflicts or that the same wall rises against time and time again.
If the problem stems from personality differences, or if the perspectives on life are different or the goals are incompatible (for example, one wants to live abroad and the other again at home), there is no solution to the situation.
Promises of change and attempts to make the impossible come true do not work.
On the other hand, if the problem is due to the fact that the couple is working together or they have children and the stress it brings, then there are ways to get the situation fixed.
Expert help or couple therapy can be a good idea.
An on-off relationship is suffering. It is therefore worth looking at the problem directly, and one should consider whether to seize opportunities that do not lead to anything profitable. On the other hand, it can only be that partners should learn to better manage some aspects of their lives.
